First things first: Happy twenty twelve everyone! Hope you all made it through the night with all your fingers intact and stars in the eyes of all the amazing fireworks. I myself, spent New Years’ Eve in Las Vegas with my boyfriend, staying up till 11am because we didn’t book a hotel that night and then sleeping the day away to end it with some unsuccessful gambling and an amazing Cirque de Soleil show.
I really have been in a big bubble of escapism these last weeks; traveling and sightseeing from dusk til dawn, spending money like a heiress, and avoiding all real life matters. But now it’s 2012, the holidays are over, and some tough, all-encompassing life decisions are waiting to be made. And that isn’t easy…
To be honest, it’s actually been very hard. As soon as a little crack in my bubble let slip in some real life facts, I became depressed instantly. Yes, everyone I love is healthy, has a roof over their head and has enough food to have created a food baby during the holidays. I do realize there are worse things in the world and that I have plenty to be grateful for. But the complete fuzziness of my future and the decisions that I have to make have been weighing down on me tremendously. I just stand to lose so much.
After the excitement about the news of having a shot at an O1 visa settled down, reality hit me in the face. As it often does. I suppose being super realistic isn’t characteristic typically found in actresses. Now I really have to decide between my life in Holland and a small chance of having a career in Hollywood.
My life in Holland has my family, a home, wonderful friends, a boyfriend I never want to lose and a cosy historic city with everything on bicycle distance. Unfortunately it also has rainy weather, a very slow film industry and no agents or an actor’s union.
My life in Los Angeles has little real, deep friendships (but I only have been here 5 months), no real place that feels like home, and a gigantic city mostly consistent of freeways and cars. But of course it also has the biggest film industry in the Western world, an agent who wants to sign me and the opportunity of pursuing my dream.
And no matter how I twist and turn it, I can’t have both lives. If I choose to pursue the small chance of having a career in Hollywood, I lose everything but mostly everyone in Holland. And then what if I run out of money or just never make it? Then I will have nothing. It’s the darkest possibility, the one that keeps all actors awake at night in times of doubt I’m sure. But not all actors lose a boyfriend in the process. And that particularly has been haunting me.
Now we’re not quite there yet. The O1 visa isn’t a sure thing. There’s lots of things that could still go wrong which leaves me with another scary future image: being stuck in Holland with no career and $5000 lighter after legal fees for the visa. So right now my whole future just seems one big question mark with lots of ways it could go wrong. So what to do?
At the moment I just try to remember that this too shall pass, and that these feelings of doubt are inherently part of an actor’s life. And that nothing worth pursuing has an easy path. I just try to take it day by day and do as much as I can to keep my head clear. And do the work. Stop avoiding…
But I did want to share all this with you. I still fully intend on keeping this blog a positive one, but it shouldn’t be a fake one. I’m not going to be the neighbor who buys a bigger car than you just to make you believe my life is finer and dandier. Complicated emotions and sadness are part of this road, and might be part of your road, so who else to share it with than other aspiring actors?
Be good, everyone. Thanks for all your comments and tweets in 2011. Hope to hear more of you!
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